Call it even.

I don't have specifics in mind to say or write. But sometimes you just feel like writing something right? I just feel like my brain and fingers are in the mood. I got nothing right now alright buy maybe if I keep touching the letters I might come up with something. Something that matters or might not.  Hhhmm. Matter.  matter.  Huh,  i got one.
You see i just red a book,  it was good,  cute and all.  The thing that got me the most was the thought of the protagonist to matter,  to the people around him,  matter in a sense that he won't be forgotten. That he would leave something of so much importance. 
Why is it important to matter?
To leave something behind? Legacy what they call it.
Is it important to me?
Do i want to matter?
Do i want to leave something behind?
Hhmmm.
At one point i do.  Why, you ask?
Because it feels damn good.  The fact that people will remember me,  and think of me as great?  So popularity then? Not to be a fuc***g phony here,  but yes.  I can't help it,  greed suddenly came over.
I want to matter, i really do the same way the protagonist (that's too long, fine his name's colin. The book is abundance of Katherines, john green) i mean colin wanted too. But he has much better reason than i am. And you know how you get disappointed when you have a less than crap purpose for wanting to do something? It makes me feel not worthy. And i know i can't do it anymore, but the wanting still hangs in there.
To matter,  exist in a much reasonable way.
To live with purpose. 
Pffft.
You know what i really think about that?
It is hard work.  I am not much a fan of working hard.  Huh.  Figures.
I also think,  it is too much pressure and expectation.  People will just ask for too much from you.  They would want you to be more and do more.  Which i know is part of growing into so much of a bigger picture for yourself (i hope i am making sense)  and which i also know is good.
And it is stifling.
I understand people could have good reasons. why they want to matter big time.  I get it,  mmm actually i don't but i agree to disagree.
You see i have no master than myself,  i follow no rules but the ones i gave myself,  hell even that i break, count on it.  And as much as euphoric it feels to be so damn great people glorify you.  I don't care.  I like to exist in my own way,  i'd like the path my own feet would create, i'd like to matter for myself,  because i had done the things i am happy and capable of doing.  Matter in my sense of freedom,  let others know i am so free,  they can join the wagon and flail stupidly screaming.  Naked from all the shit this society have attached us with.
Have i mentioned earlier i sometimes do not intend to make sense?
Listen here, from the very second you were born you mattered, you mattered to your mom. You might have no idea how much love she felt when she saw you all covered in her blood, crying the shit out of you, and still has that umbilical cord still attached.
Mattered to the people around you for the little things you have done for them. The thoughts and stories you have shared with them,  'cause believe it or not those thoughts and stories affected them little enough.  It made them think,  realize,  woke something deep down, gave them hope,  encourage them and God knows what.
So yeah,  we pretty much mattered in our own cute way.  Cute.  Nice.
But really i understood that from colin.  He phrased
" even if it is a dumb story.  Telling it changes other people just the slightest little bit,  just as living the story changes me.  An infinitesimal change.  And that infinitesimal change ripples outward –ever smaller but ever lasting.  I will be forgotten but the stories will last and so we all mattered – maybe less than a lot,  buy always more than"
Infinitesimal change.
Ripples outward.
Everlasting.
Mattered maybe less than a lot,  but always more than. 
That got me.
So yeah, pretty much i appreciate that we all matter in this freakn awesome world. Not as big as we all wanted to but enough to put a mark here and there.
So i do not bother,  i love the way i breathe and stand right here where i am,  i mattered.  That felt good. I may not be the big brains contributing too much for the human existence,  or the great philosopher giving big and bold words inspiring millions of defeated and crumpled people all over the globe.  Or....  Okay enough,  i think you got the point.  What is the point again?
That i do not need to be somewhat less than what i exactly wanted. 
I contribute. Infinitesimal change (as colin phrase it)  to people around me
And i am happy,  euphoric even.
So i' ll call it even.
There.  I think i have said enough didn't i?
:D