Fool.

I go in this world living when i do not even know what i am living for. I do not have the purpose of which i can consider my life worth struggling for. I don't have the reason to push further into living what life i have now. It feels empty, all of it. It feels like everything inside me is just empty space and air, so hollow.  No pian,  no happiness,  no nothing just plain emptiness.  Soothing at one point but sick on the other.

Would dying for something of grave importance equilibrize my existence of emptiness?  Maybe before i die i would sacrifice,  i will make all of my wrongs, right.  Maybe i can die for someone or something then maybe i will feel a little has occupied my great space of hollowness inside.  Maybe i would.  Would it be a death worth enduring?  Or if not a heroic death,  maybe a life well lived with purpose and with altruism.  Where will i start?  How do i know?  Is it everyones battle including me to find something that i can put in the center of my life and incur meaning?
My life is a routine.  A stifling and drowning routine.  I go on for the mere requirement i need to live.  For whom?  For what?  I don't know.  All i know is what my parents and the people around me wedged in my brain,  that life continues and that you need to do everything in order to live.  You live to live.  It gets me up in my bed and go through the day.  Then i sleep and wait for the next day to come.  Ofcourse not all days are the same, somedays happy,  somedays good,  somedays romantic somedays inspiring, somedays hectic, somedays are not so bad and it all makes me forget that somewhere deep there is a hole,  myriad.  Temporarily. But it all always comes back with a smacking pain in the face.  All of it.  How much nothingness i can feel in one whole part of my life. I have always believed it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.  Indeed.  At my case i have never loved at all i can consider i have never lived at all,  because all of this are temporary,  i find no lasting pleasure in this things i shower myself with.  I want to feel something i can hold on to forever,  here inside me so i can fill in the gaps.  These things i try to acquire for myself for my family they leave me with nothing at all.  They are just tangibles, temporary,  will be forgotten,  will return to dust.  Everything i am ever going to acquire will be gone the same time i do.  It will all be for nothing.  I want––demand something i can hold on inside my soul that even if this body dies and rot,  i have it in me forever.
You see i am not afraid of death,  of nonexistence.  I am afraid of the pain,  afraid that my life had not been enough.  My life is what terrifies me more than my death. That when time comes i won't be ready to die and leave because of everything i haven't ever felt or done. My life is what i will ever have,  and i am anguished that i hated all the things i find unnecessary but is practically essential. I hate that i have to see the world the people in such dreary colors,  because partly i am dreary and it is how we see that defines us. I don't have the expense of blaming anybody for my perception of life,  death and the world.  I poisoned my own.
I am sick,  i am tired, i am alone, alone and i cannot help but ascribe my dreary perception to all of those.  I do feel it at times and in great extent,  even the happiest rat feels lonely sometimes. I am not ashamed of it.

All we are are capable of too much love and so am i,  to what extent i am willng to find out. I want nothing more than to overpower myself with so much love.  Love for my cohorts,  family,  friends and person.  Whatever definition of love people may ever come across and documented.  I want them all.  I know this is what will fill my empty spaces,  will fill me up i am to ooze. If i have love maybe i find that even if i don't know what my life and existence turns out,  i will still have something worth enduring. And maybe i wouldn't be as terrified i am of my life,  and maybe my death wouldn't be of a void.  Love, proverbially is all i need. Right now at least. I don't know how to phrase it anymore that i can express it more clearly,  that may erase the usual concept the phrase has been widely used.  But all i need is love.  It seems right. As doubtful as i can get,  right now it is my only answer to the aching hollowness deep in me.  I can't be more specific than i already am. Love given in various physical and emotional fashion.  I starve for it. Foolish only dare not ask for it,  foolish enough as well to ask for. And i am. 

.....

i am still mangled with my whole life ahead of me and how it will halt.  But at a significant part of my life sometime,  i would graciously ask to have love and loved at a myriad. And i will certainly would have a memory that i can treat as the best if anything ever beats it. It might not be too much but it will be enough. Fool as am i.

Turn left.

They do not understand.  All they know is what it looks like from the outside,  from other peoples perception.  Their brain, routine and customs told them it is wrong in all the inches.  But no.  They do not know.  This is what i want.  This is how i am living.  This is how i do things.  Certainly life doesn't come with instructions,  and it certainly doesn't come with strict structure that tells me to do things the same way everybody else does,  or decide how everybody else does,  or think or speak or act the way they all do.  If i go right while everybody else go left,  does that make me wrong? Would i deserve to be judged? 
It is tiring at one point.  No matter how independent you might think you are,  no matter how brave you are,  things around seems to conspire with one purpose of crushing you,  simply because they think you're wrong.  And those who are, deserve to be wrong all the more and be sore while they are at it. And then you never get out of that judgement, you already are what they have decided you are,  no matter what you do you stay there. Your space becomes so small,  like you can't breath anymore,  you feel so small,  you feel like a door just slammed in your face cutting you out of the circle you thought you once belonged. And again why?  Because you stray away from the structural right way of being,  deciding and living.  And it makes you so wrong it might as well be considered a sin the way the punisments are thrown. 
No. No. I won't. Bullshit.
I am free.  I am doing my best to bare myself from all this structural way they taught me to live.  Because i know and i feel this is the only way i can be free,  infinitely free.  But it's painful.  But it's satisfying too. 
I have said a million times,  i will say it again.  I am who i am. My life,  my years,  my months and my days,  i get to spend them as i desired, everything i do, i say i act,  i do because i want and i can,  consequences from such i take like a man. Because i have accepted the fact and i live in them.
Sometimes i seem just like an individual passing to adulthood from being a child,  seems to want individualism and liberty; just trying to find the best little spot in circles in the crowd she can belong. Or seem like just hormones overflowing and just needs to be recognized.  Yes.  I am and i'd be all of those.  Yes i want individualism and liberty and i want my hormones to overflow and i want a circle i can belong.  I want to. I want how i lived composed of things big or little to be nothing but me. Nothing but completion of me.  I want to dare live south when everybody lives north,  i want to love the oddities of the world and human,  i want to stray away from customs,  i want to step or maybe run from the concept of perfect social living,  i want to decide,  act,  speak and do, bared from all criticism and hypocrisy.  I want my life.  I want my own reality. 
Baby steps.  I am still finding my light and the path to my own reality.  But now i know what i want for once.  The reality i always dreamed of but i know it will never be easy,  there is always confusion and pain and drawbacks.  It is always hard to forget what you were used to,  and change how you have lived for a good 20 years.  This world has a very effective way of luring and fooling you to do just about everything they require you to.  It is easy to get lost in the crowd and just blend in,  give up. To be lost in the beauty and ugly.
After all how easy is it to turn if there is a lot of hands that pull you back.  I'd say hard as hell.  Oh but i know nothing worth having is easy,  and i don't need easy,  i just need possible.  And here's a dollar i'll go buy myself a bucket of possible and soak in it.
I am in this.
In all that i am,  this life is what i want. Don't i have just this?  Of all that i have this is what matters the most. Living it feels more alive than ever,  every little thing that makes it up,  the emotions that comes with it,  even the confusion, pleasure and the pain,  the drawbacks and the bliss. The moment of euphoria in realization after a daunting confusion; the happiness that comes after a long painful hurt;  the weariness of indecision,   the indulge in the addictive pleasure; the inspiration,  adoration,  romance attached in love; the pride in success and a lot lot more. I always felt like all these little things were what i always loved about still having a pulse and breath.   They are all part of my reality. 
Imperfect had always had it's beauty,  i make everything as i go,  i can hit it right or i can stumble on the wrong,  but who really got to tell you what is and what is not?  Doesn't the purpose weight more than the actions itself? If i say i do this for me,  am i selfish?  Doesn't doing things for myself come first? Is it unfathomable i held myself first? If the school,  your parents and the bible haven't told you being selfish is wrong would you have thoughts so?  If society established different set of stories to believe in would you have been what you are now?  Would you still have the same faith?  Would you still be who you are? 
Have you ever thought that you are what you are because of the stories, the teachings and the rules that had been set before you were ever born? I did and i still do.
I have always thought and asked myself if i believe everything that existed around me.  I am indebt to this society for keeping my morale and dignity.  But i have grown thinking if this is what i have existed to believe in.  And a part of me says no. A big part. And that is why i have always tried to stray away from what had been imprinted in my brain my heart and my soul. Don't see things as they are,  they definitely are not. It had been a constant struggle with myself and the people around.  It's always easy to just go where ever the ocean goes, effortless.  Compared to always in battle with half of yourself and most of the world.  How can a tiny sparkle burn without enough fuel.
Somedays are hopeful though,  seems people just leave me alone. 
Somedays i am strong and won't hear whatever they have to say. I have acquired to.
Somedays i act invisible,  or just hide.
I always try to press reset and start over again, from total scratch leave nothing left.  Then try to write as if the world had different set of eyes,  ears, mouth and heart. A little hope is still left here where we stand,  i only need courage.  This world still has the miracles one can need, things are just possible and that's the beauty of it.  Even if you think your trapped,  there still is a door open.  An equal balance of good and bad. Then this world aint so bad,  and i have something to keep me going.
I don't just want to be different and have my now identity,  no.  I want a different life,  away from this,  i want somewhere without dictation,  without someone holding thier hand in your neck,  somewhere with just about no requirements and expectations.
I have considered this might be my battle.  Because there is no way i will accept whatever they just give me and jam it down my throat.  I will always live a little the way everybody does,  but big on how my reality works. Pain will be endless,  but satisfaction comes afterward.  After all if a little happiness is still left to be harvest,  then maybe months of weariness is all bearable. As long as there is left worth holding on to, even hope in size of a hair strand, i can still tie it around my finger,  and it would be enough. Surrender was never a visible option.  This my life now,  going in a different direction doesn't guarantee anything,  i don't even see the destination but while i am travelling in this i might as well dance. The only acceptable right now is to keep going,  i am where i am now,  i can't go back. And by the angel i have no plans of going back, it is not a very temtpting option. I know cannot complely strip myself of the old and of this world,  this is where i am physically living,  i will always do things a normal human being does on a normal basis,  i can't help it. But as i does, it will not be of the same reason, it will be of my own.  And as everybody lives thier daily lives, I still will always go left.