Fool.

I go in this world living when i do not even know what i am living for. I do not have the purpose of which i can consider my life worth struggling for. I don't have the reason to push further into living what life i have now. It feels empty, all of it. It feels like everything inside me is just empty space and air, so hollow.  No pian,  no happiness,  no nothing just plain emptiness.  Soothing at one point but sick on the other.

Would dying for something of grave importance equilibrize my existence of emptiness?  Maybe before i die i would sacrifice,  i will make all of my wrongs, right.  Maybe i can die for someone or something then maybe i will feel a little has occupied my great space of hollowness inside.  Maybe i would.  Would it be a death worth enduring?  Or if not a heroic death,  maybe a life well lived with purpose and with altruism.  Where will i start?  How do i know?  Is it everyones battle including me to find something that i can put in the center of my life and incur meaning?
My life is a routine.  A stifling and drowning routine.  I go on for the mere requirement i need to live.  For whom?  For what?  I don't know.  All i know is what my parents and the people around me wedged in my brain,  that life continues and that you need to do everything in order to live.  You live to live.  It gets me up in my bed and go through the day.  Then i sleep and wait for the next day to come.  Ofcourse not all days are the same, somedays happy,  somedays good,  somedays romantic somedays inspiring, somedays hectic, somedays are not so bad and it all makes me forget that somewhere deep there is a hole,  myriad.  Temporarily. But it all always comes back with a smacking pain in the face.  All of it.  How much nothingness i can feel in one whole part of my life. I have always believed it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.  Indeed.  At my case i have never loved at all i can consider i have never lived at all,  because all of this are temporary,  i find no lasting pleasure in this things i shower myself with.  I want to feel something i can hold on to forever,  here inside me so i can fill in the gaps.  These things i try to acquire for myself for my family they leave me with nothing at all.  They are just tangibles, temporary,  will be forgotten,  will return to dust.  Everything i am ever going to acquire will be gone the same time i do.  It will all be for nothing.  I want––demand something i can hold on inside my soul that even if this body dies and rot,  i have it in me forever.
You see i am not afraid of death,  of nonexistence.  I am afraid of the pain,  afraid that my life had not been enough.  My life is what terrifies me more than my death. That when time comes i won't be ready to die and leave because of everything i haven't ever felt or done. My life is what i will ever have,  and i am anguished that i hated all the things i find unnecessary but is practically essential. I hate that i have to see the world the people in such dreary colors,  because partly i am dreary and it is how we see that defines us. I don't have the expense of blaming anybody for my perception of life,  death and the world.  I poisoned my own.
I am sick,  i am tired, i am alone, alone and i cannot help but ascribe my dreary perception to all of those.  I do feel it at times and in great extent,  even the happiest rat feels lonely sometimes. I am not ashamed of it.

All we are are capable of too much love and so am i,  to what extent i am willng to find out. I want nothing more than to overpower myself with so much love.  Love for my cohorts,  family,  friends and person.  Whatever definition of love people may ever come across and documented.  I want them all.  I know this is what will fill my empty spaces,  will fill me up i am to ooze. If i have love maybe i find that even if i don't know what my life and existence turns out,  i will still have something worth enduring. And maybe i wouldn't be as terrified i am of my life,  and maybe my death wouldn't be of a void.  Love, proverbially is all i need. Right now at least. I don't know how to phrase it anymore that i can express it more clearly,  that may erase the usual concept the phrase has been widely used.  But all i need is love.  It seems right. As doubtful as i can get,  right now it is my only answer to the aching hollowness deep in me.  I can't be more specific than i already am. Love given in various physical and emotional fashion.  I starve for it. Foolish only dare not ask for it,  foolish enough as well to ask for. And i am. 

.....

i am still mangled with my whole life ahead of me and how it will halt.  But at a significant part of my life sometime,  i would graciously ask to have love and loved at a myriad. And i will certainly would have a memory that i can treat as the best if anything ever beats it. It might not be too much but it will be enough. Fool as am i.